What Can You Do When an Elderly Parent Refuses Help?
It can be discouraging—even frustrating—when an elderly parent refuses help. However, unless your parent is in grave physical danger, it's important to go slowly and put your relationship with your parent(s) first. If you're starting to notice that your elderly parents need help but they're refusing to accept it, understanding their point of view and trying a range of different strategies can help.
Know the Signs That Your Parent Really Needs Help
Aging parents often don't require much help at the start, and it's counterproductive to offer too much assistance before it's really needed. They may still be active in their community, working, and contributing to causes they care about. However, if you see one or more of these signs, you'll know that it's time to offer or suggest at least a light level of assistance for your aging parent's safety:
Weight loss. This could be a sign of poor eating habits, the onset of a serious medical condition, or depression.
Memory loss. This could be a sign of the onset of dementia.
Losing things. This can also be a sign of dementia or memory loss.
Trips and falls. This can indicate muscle weakness, bone loss, vision loss, vitamin deficiencies, balance issues, or an unsafe environment.
Poor personal hygiene. This could indicate forgetfulness, loneliness, depression, or a need for more community involvement.
Unkempt house. This can indicate forgetfulness, a decline in physical condition, or depression.
Messy medicine cabinet, expired medicines. This often goes along with a lack of housekeeping and cleanliness in general but may indicate that your elderly parent is not taking his or her prescribed medications or may accidentally take the wrong one.
Unpaid bills. This can indicate forgetfulness, poor financial management, or insufficient income.
Unexplained fatigue. This could be a sign of a health condition or depression.
Frequent infections. This could indicate nutrient deficiencies, poor hygiene, poor exercise and sleep patterns, or that your parent is feeling down.
Negative emotions. An elderly parent may express more negative emotions after the death of a spouse, if they feel lonely, or if they feel frustrated that they can't do things they used to be able to do alone. If left unchecked, negative emotions can lead to problems with health, safety, and well-being.
Start Small When Helping an Elderly Parent
Once you've seen a red flag (or several red flags), it's important to start small. An aging parent is unlikely to jump at the suggestion of moving into an assisted living facility after living independently for their entire adult life. However, he or she may accept the idea of installing a grab bar or stairlift or having a neighbor call a couple of times a week—if only for your peace of mind.
Keep the Focus on Safety
Family members are often keen to keep their elderly parents up-to-date, but think about what is really necessary and keep the focus on that. If your elderly parents refuse to join a Zumba class in Denver or don't want to learn how to use the latest iPad, that's probably not a big deal. Focus your conversations on things that are really essential—like grocery shopping, gardening, and housework—to eliminate unnecessary points of friction and increase the likelihood of acceptance.
Seek to Understand Their Fears and Motivations
Why is it that your elderly parents refuse help? Understanding your parents’ concerns, values, and priorities can help to direct your research and suggest solutions that they are more likely to accept.
Are they scared of losing their home? Consider home modifications for aging in place rather than transferring your parents to an assisted living facility.
Do they feel embarrassed about someone helping with their personal hygiene? Reassure your parent that they will never have to accept a caregiver with whom they don’t feel comfortable.
Are they concerned about the cost? Look into funding options and choose solutions that fit within your and your parent’s budget.
Let Them Know How Their Behavior Affects Others
Sometimes, elderly parents won't make changes for themselves, but they will for the sake of their adult children or grandchildren. If you're worried sick that they'll fall over or your parents' messy house is putting their grandchildren in danger when they visit, let them know. It may be the motivation they need to accept some light in-home help, get a mobility device for seniors, or see a doctor.
Get Others Involved
If your parents won’t listen to you, a neutral third party could help an aging parent to see that it's time to accept some form of assistance. Whether it's a neighbor, friend, geriatric care manager, doctor, or religious figure, hearing from someone other than their adult child that there are real concerns about their safety could motivate them to consider a home modification, in-home care assistant, or mobility aid.
Stay Positive
While your primary concern might be safety, it can help to focus on the positives. For example, a senior living community or center for older adults might be a great place to make new friends and get involved in a hobby like gardening or tennis. A mobility device could make it easier for your parent to go on outings with their grandchildren. As your parent realizes the potential gains, they may end up coming around.
Respect Their Autonomy to Make Decisions
If—after trying everything—your aging parents refuse help, remember that it's their own life and they are allowed to make their own decisions, even bad ones. Unless your parent or parents are no longer able to make sound decisions and you or a sibling is appointed as their legal guardian, no one can make the decision to force them out of their home.
As per the Supreme Court Olmstead decision in 1999, individuals who need assistance and can handle a community setting should be given that opportunity, as institutionalization “severely diminishes the everyday life activities of individuals.” Instead of trying to convince your parents to move into assisted care, keep visiting and calling as you’re able, pursue aging-in-place strategies like home modifications, and simply enjoy spending time with them. It’s just as important for your parents’ mental health to feel happy and respected as it is for them to remember to change their shirts.
Be Ready to Step In if Needed
If your parent is still of sound mind but is refusing assisted living and has a serious fall at home, be ready to arrange for medical transport and treatment straight away. Once they've stabilized, you could use this "teachable moment" to gently explain—without anger or incrimination—why accepting some level of assistance could be a good idea.
Establish Legal Guardianship
If your parent's health declines to the point that they can’t make sound decisions, someone will need to be appointed as your parent’s legal guardian. While it's preferable to have the conversation long before dementia sets in, it might become necessary to apply for a medical power of attorney for your elderly parents, at which point you can arrange for an appropriate level of care.
Keep the Relationship in First Place
When assisting elderly parents, it can be hard to see the decline—especially with elderly parents who refuse help. However, until your parents accept care, you can make their home safer with mobility aids, visit and call as much as you can, and edge toward a compromise solution like a weekly visit from a home help professional.
The main things for an elderly person are to be as safe as possible, feel respected, and enjoy the time they spend with you. When your aging parents know they have a family and community that cares about them, they may be more open to accepting assistance and taking better care of themselves.